Hope

Looking back upon my life, I would say I'd rather be with someone who wants me instead of me begging for a place to be with

I was really hurt last time but now I can really smile
I laugh a lot
I sleep more soundly
Less sick days
I'm happier

If possible I want to erase all the bad memories, bad experience
The hatred that I developed which brings nothing to me

But I know, God has better plans for me
To learn from painful memories
To treat myself positively
To love and appreciate all loving people around me
To be hopeful that it is not the end
That some people are just like that..they love to bring other people down

I'm smiling more
I'm appreciating more
I'm enjoying each and everything more
I'm learning to protect myself more
and I'm worrying less

Hope does bring all the positivity that I need
and for now that's all that I need

At least I'm not that sad
and I'm enjoying my life at the fullest now

~haru

image credit: Google

Taking Risk

I'm moving on
After almost 3 years, I'm giving up
..and yes, that opportunity to escape came at the right time

I do feel sad
In fact, I cried when I finally made the decision
I'm not sure whether this is right
..but I forced myself to just close my eyes and move on

Now they know..
The feedback were as what I expected
They just smile
They just nodded
They just looked down to the floor

"You should be thankful, you get a second chance to prove yourself"
"Ya..it's good for you. You are too stress here. You don't know how to manage your stress here"
"Really? Owh..I thought here is good for you already. Why are you moving to somewhere err..smaller and unknown"

I feel slapped
Painful.
Frustrated.
Hatred.

You don't know how I feel
You don't know what I've went through
You just don't know

You said you understand
..but actually you don't

You said I'm complex
..yet you still punish me for my complexity
..for not being in the same wavelength with you

I just don't care anymore
I don't want to know
I just let go of everything
Why?

Because of you
I'm so fed-up
I've been scarred
My reputation already tarnished
What good can I bring anymore?
Whether I try hard or not, I'm just useless to you
You just refused to recognize me. to acknowledge me.

Just..let me go
Don't bother to think about me
You never did before

Why now?
Just let me be me
Don't say anything
Don't ever wave goodbye because I know it's all fake

You never care
..and never were

Just go away
You've hurt me
and now these scars will be with me forever..

Haru~



image credit: Google

I'm FINE!

Negativity

It is easy to be negative than to be all the time positive

.
.
.

Positivity

The word itself sometimes killing me

.
.
.

Why?

I don't know
and I don't want to know
or I just don't even bother to know

Those eyes
Those looks
Those tones

Why are you pushing me away?
Am I that DISGUSTING?


Fine!




Leave me alone!











I'm FINE!



credit: pic - google search

Worthless. Useless. Asking for Sympathy. Damn! You Poisoned My Mind

You said

"..maybe it's time for you to think whether this is the right place for you or not"

My mind went blank. Am I unwanted here? What I am doing here? What's with this disgusting voice?

I was tongue tied. My eyes teary.

I looked at you. You stared at me with that hatred look all over your face.

The look that shows

"You are useless! I don't want you here!"

I couldn't even think of anything that time. Am I that useless? Am I that disgusting?

My mind could only picked up all those harsh words.

"..what do you expect from me? Are you expecting me to sympathize with you?.."

What? Sympathize? What are you talking about?

I know I am not your favorite. But I know I am not a trash. I don't know how to prove. I'm just demotivated and depressed. Please don't throw more harsh words to me. I've had enough!

I'm almost broken. I do have trust issues. I am not confident with myself. I have scars all over my life history. I have phobia in trusting people even to myself. I am too quick to shut the doors close from people entering my life.

Just..please don't make it worse or I will be fully broken.

Unable to heal.

I just don't know my own strength anymore. I don't have confident in everything I do.

I just.. I just.. I just don't feel like I'm not becoming what you wanted me to become and I'm blaming myself for that.

I'm drowning and I need help.. and there you are, with disgusted face looking at me - Why are you keep on putting troubles to other people to save you!

..and I become so hesitate to grab the hands to save myself.

Let me drown! Let me die! Isn't that is what you want?

"I'm sorry for being harsh to you just now"

What? Sorry? I don't know.. I don't know whether I'm able to recover from this pain or not. I don't know whether I'll be able to come back as my old, competent self again.

You will get away with your sorry but I will keep on living with this voice in my head telling me that I'm useless, trying to get your sympathy to live.

You are ignoring me. Even don't even want to look at me now.

I'm just invisible. Useless.

Is that all what you are thinking about me?

..and congrats to you, I've started to believe and convince myself since that day..that yes, I am useless. Worthless. Brings nothing good to you.

The history is repeating again where everyone is leaving me.

Alone. Empty. Painful.




Hatred.






I guess nobody understands. So, I just keep this in my head.

Because whatever I said or going to say, the blame will still on me.





Pic Credit: Google Image Search

The Silence

Silence...
I can see myself curling up at the edge of the bed
The darkness of the room adding chill in my heartbeat
My mind is wandering
My soul is crying

Am I lost?
Am I sad?

The silence...
Leaving an empty feeling in me
Feeling alone
Feeling abandoned

Am I misinterpreting?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
*Sigh..~*













~Haru

Hurt

Loving someone hurt
sometimes, hurts yourself

Just a simple reason
That person can't move on
from being hurt

It's a classic love scene

We hurt ourselves for loving someone
, hurt ourselves for caring about someone
, hurt ourselves for knowing that someone still can't open up for you

Now..it's here come the next question

Are you willing to wait for that person?
Wait for that person to return your love?
Wait for that person to love you back?

Tick tock..
Tick tock..

How long?
and...how strong are you?




Haru~

Swollen

I never knew
Watching an anime called Bokura Ga Ita
Will cause my eyes this swollen
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Luckily tomorrow is Sunday
..and suddenly I feel like..
.
.
.
.
.
.
I need a boyfriend..*Sigh~*
Yano-kun..

Just..can't go on

Bokura Ga Ita..


I just started to watch it yesterday
Finished 10 episodes in 1 night
But I just can't go on..can't move to another episode

The story felt so real
I'm hurt inside, seeing Yano-kun acts like a jerk
I'm just too emotional, as if I'm in Takahashi's shoes

It's too heart breaking
Knowing Yano-kun can't really move on
I can't keep my eyes dry while watching this

*Sigh~*

A Girl..

Yes, I'm a girl
Love to watch the sky from my bed
To enjoy the smell of the rain from my room
Locked inside the small square space and speak my mind out

What do I do?
I prefer lying on my bed for hours
Enjoy flustering my heart with love crush to all anime heroes that I admired

And yes, that's how I got the name
Haru..
Even though there are others whom I really love
Usui, Kirito, Otani, Kazehaya..too many to mention

Guess tonight will be a long night where I got to spend more time online
How I wish, there will come a time where I meet the guy that I love
As good as in the anime..