Worthless. Useless. Asking for Sympathy. Damn! You Poisoned My Mind

You said

"..maybe it's time for you to think whether this is the right place for you or not"

My mind went blank. Am I unwanted here? What I am doing here? What's with this disgusting voice?

I was tongue tied. My eyes teary.

I looked at you. You stared at me with that hatred look all over your face.

The look that shows

"You are useless! I don't want you here!"

I couldn't even think of anything that time. Am I that useless? Am I that disgusting?

My mind could only picked up all those harsh words.

"..what do you expect from me? Are you expecting me to sympathize with you?.."

What? Sympathize? What are you talking about?

I know I am not your favorite. But I know I am not a trash. I don't know how to prove. I'm just demotivated and depressed. Please don't throw more harsh words to me. I've had enough!

I'm almost broken. I do have trust issues. I am not confident with myself. I have scars all over my life history. I have phobia in trusting people even to myself. I am too quick to shut the doors close from people entering my life.

Just..please don't make it worse or I will be fully broken.

Unable to heal.

I just don't know my own strength anymore. I don't have confident in everything I do.

I just.. I just.. I just don't feel like I'm not becoming what you wanted me to become and I'm blaming myself for that.

I'm drowning and I need help.. and there you are, with disgusted face looking at me - Why are you keep on putting troubles to other people to save you!

..and I become so hesitate to grab the hands to save myself.

Let me drown! Let me die! Isn't that is what you want?

"I'm sorry for being harsh to you just now"

What? Sorry? I don't know.. I don't know whether I'm able to recover from this pain or not. I don't know whether I'll be able to come back as my old, competent self again.

You will get away with your sorry but I will keep on living with this voice in my head telling me that I'm useless, trying to get your sympathy to live.

You are ignoring me. Even don't even want to look at me now.

I'm just invisible. Useless.

Is that all what you are thinking about me?

..and congrats to you, I've started to believe and convince myself since that day..that yes, I am useless. Worthless. Brings nothing good to you.

The history is repeating again where everyone is leaving me.

Alone. Empty. Painful.




Hatred.






I guess nobody understands. So, I just keep this in my head.

Because whatever I said or going to say, the blame will still on me.





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